Learning to eat again

September 3, 2008 at 4:08 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

It’s been awhile since I posted. Life gets in the way like that sometimes. I should be sleeping right now since it’s 15 till midnight and I do have work tomorrow…maybe it’s a mixture of being off on my Pristiq by a few hours and just this urge to write about my last few weeks and what it’s meant for my ED

This has been a few weeks filled with tons of ups and downs… The good: The pristiq is remaining almost completely side effect free for me. I solidified my relationship with one of the guys I was dating… meaning I have a boyfriend. The bad: The other guy I was dating decided to stop talking to me… completely and decided to contact me friday while I was sick. Jeremy(boyfriend) and I had 2 fights this weekend.

The fact I’ve had all these ups and downs while trying to teach myself to eat again is hard. It’s something I have to deal with. My good days have been more but still are few and far between. I find myself lying to people about how much I eat and when. I also find myself purging much more often… I think this is part of my healing process, I hope anyway. It’s hard for me to look and say: nutrition even in small amounts is good. Being able to even eat again is good, even if I purge afterwards I’m making progress. I have not binged at all… that is a great positive for me. But still purging when I’m alone and I’ve eaten is something to work on. However I have had days of “normal” eating, where I eat 3 meals a day 2 snacks…. I haven’t had those in many many years, it’s 1 extreme or the other

However I miss the restriction… I find myself force feeding myself a lot of time. Because I know I HAVE to eat… I don’t want to. I’m not sure how to rectify my relationship with food, for a long time I’ve considered it wrong in all forms. Any calories put in my body is just bad, for that it will take more then a few weeks.

I’d honestly just love to binge out on everything I want and say “there… you can have it!” but the fear of gaining weight is so real that I can’t do it. The fear people will dislike me if I get heavier is so intense I’d rather be hungry then be satisfied…

It’s this feeling that keeps me in my cycle… It’s this thinking that had my thinking of a blog post. I actually had a rather negative reaction, I think it was my mind grasping desperately to the need of my ED… it was “God I’m so fat! I have to lose weight now” and preceeded to vomit up my lunch. The thought pattern eventually led to this:

I would give up the rest of my life to spend just 1 day fully satisifed with myself. By myself I mean me as a person and me as part of my body. To feel wholey accepting of myself and to feel wholey deserving of love.

I know this will come with time, because I know I am not defined by my looks… I am not defined by my ED. It’s this thinking I’m sure that will pull my through all this once and for all… it pulled me from my cutting which I have not done in 5 years(though I do get urges)

It doesn’t define me because it’s only part of me…

So I’m learning to eat normally… I’m working on not feeling so weird eating around people. Hopefully soon the good days will out number the bad. I’m working toward that

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