August 7, 2008 at 2:26 am (Uncategorized) (, , , )

I have the hardest time with compliments… I swear. They make me feel uncomfortable and I always question the persons honesty when they say nice things to me… my mind automatically goes to “Do they really mean that? Of course not! Look at me…. god BLAH” I’m sure most compliments are paid in sincerity however I just can’t take it that way.

One of the guys I’m dating(Yes more then one, dating as in… going on dates not relationship status) told me I was gorgeous.

That blew my mind, I went through that cycle of he’s lying for whatever reason(he has no reason to lie, honestly I don’t see him under any obligation to tell me I’m gorgeous or even attractive. As he is under no obligation to take me on dates either) I murmured my usual shy thank you feeling highly uncomfortable for the whole situation.

It makes me uncomfortable for a few reasons

1. I don’t consider my body attractive. I’m lucky enough to know I have a pretty face but the rest well if someone said I could walk around as a head I’d be ok with that…

2. He doesn’t know about my ED. Most of our dates have been us doing silly stuff after what is normal dinner time. The only thing he’s seen go into my mouth is alcohol and cigarettes… he assumes I’m normal and there for eat.

3. The second part of the compliment was I don’t even look like I had a child… I know it’s meant to be a compliment however how I got to the size I am now(Publicly admitting: 5’8 and 174 lbs, size 10 US sizes) was because of how I eat… or don’t eat

It makes me also feel guilty I’m not thinner… if I were to tell people I have an eating disorder they would never believe me… But no one knows I will starve myself for days, push food around my plate then eat probably 4 to 5 thousand calories in 1 sitting, eat so much to the point I vomit. No one knows I’m terrified to consume food in front of other people. It’s something that I suffer with mostly alone

And I want to tell him that compliments on my body is completely useless and could possibly do more damage then good. But that’s an uncomfortable topic isn’t it?

Why do compliments always have to be about appearance anyway? Why don’t more people tell me “God you’re really smart!” or “Wow you’re one hell of a funny chick” or “Yeah you’re pretty damn cool”. But sadly they don’t mean as much do they? Everyday I live my life hoping someone will tell me I’m pretty or I look cute that day… just to bring on the wave of discomfort…

I wonder if I think someday that will change? Maybe someone will say it and I’ll go “Hey! I’m cute”

I’m trying to work past the compliments… how important they are. My therapist pointed out “You look fabulous” is now a standard greeting what we really mean is “Wow it’s fabulous to see you again” where did we go wrong? And it is wrong… How many people have gotten that compliment and thought “Wow and I looked like a pig before?” or for me going “Yes I must be doing good then”

It’s hard to believe you’re slowly killing yourself when the world is looking at you for diet secrets… when everyone tells you how wonderful you look.

At every compliment I’ll take that as a reason to keep going. I’ll nibble at lettuce and say I’m vegan and on a diet because I’m so bloated then a few days later come sit on my bed and inhale enough food to feed more then an entire family… till it physically hurts, and my body can no longer take it and I vomit.

I’ll feel so guilty I won’t eat for 3-4 days and do it all over again…

The next time I see someone or need to pay them a compliment I’m going to tell them how fabulous they ARE not LOOK. And my response to me looking fabulous will be “So do you, you always have. So how is your fabulous/wonderful/amazing self doing?”

Even if I can’t help myself maybe I can help someone else


1 Comment

  1. Sisters By <3 said,

    I have a hard time with compliments too. The “ex” of sorts used to compliment me all the time in hopes that one day I’d believe those compliments enough to see myself through that same lens (he did this even before we were involved). Even compliments that are appearance-based, but not weight-based (i.e. your eyes are beautiful or great hair cut, etc) make me squirm. I haven’t figured out how to accept them. I haven’t figured out how to believe them.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: