It’s been awhile since I posted. Life gets in the way like that sometimes. I should be sleeping right now since it’s 15 till midnight and I do have work tomorrow…maybe it’s a mixture of being off on my Pristiq by a few hours and just this urge to write about my last few weeks and what it’s meant for my ED
This has been a few weeks filled with tons of ups and downs… The good: The pristiq is remaining almost completely side effect free for me. I solidified my relationship with one of the guys I was dating… meaning I have a boyfriend. The bad: The other guy I was dating decided to stop talking to me… completely and decided to contact me friday while I was sick. Jeremy(boyfriend) and I had 2 fights this weekend.
The fact I’ve had all these ups and downs while trying to teach myself to eat again is hard. It’s something I have to deal with. My good days have been more but still are few and far between. I find myself lying to people about how much I eat and when. I also find myself purging much more often… I think this is part of my healing process, I hope anyway. It’s hard for me to look and say: nutrition even in small amounts is good. Being able to even eat again is good, even if I purge afterwards I’m making progress. I have not binged at all… that is a great positive for me. But still purging when I’m alone and I’ve eaten is something to work on. However I have had days of “normal” eating, where I eat 3 meals a day 2 snacks…. I haven’t had those in many many years, it’s 1 extreme or the other
However I miss the restriction… I find myself force feeding myself a lot of time. Because I know I HAVE to eat… I don’t want to. I’m not sure how to rectify my relationship with food, for a long time I’ve considered it wrong in all forms. Any calories put in my body is just bad, for that it will take more then a few weeks.
I’d honestly just love to binge out on everything I want and say “there… you can have it!” but the fear of gaining weight is so real that I can’t do it. The fear people will dislike me if I get heavier is so intense I’d rather be hungry then be satisfied…
It’s this feeling that keeps me in my cycle… It’s this thinking that had my thinking of a blog post. I actually had a rather negative reaction, I think it was my mind grasping desperately to the need of my ED… it was “God I’m so fat! I have to lose weight now” and preceeded to vomit up my lunch. The thought pattern eventually led to this:
I would give up the rest of my life to spend just 1 day fully satisifed with myself. By myself I mean me as a person and me as part of my body. To feel wholey accepting of myself and to feel wholey deserving of love.
I know this will come with time, because I know I am not defined by my looks… I am not defined by my ED. It’s this thinking I’m sure that will pull my through all this once and for all… it pulled me from my cutting which I have not done in 5 years(though I do get urges)
It doesn’t define me because it’s only part of me…
So I’m learning to eat normally… I’m working on not feeling so weird eating around people. Hopefully soon the good days will out number the bad. I’m working toward that
Well I finally dragged myself to the Psychiatrist today. It only took 3 years… yeah that long. We had a really long talk, I figured it would be a half hour then I’d get some pills but it ended up being much longer, almost 2 full hours of him investigating my feelings… really trying to figure out what’s “wrong” with me.
I’m glad I got the doctor I did, he didn’t push me too much he really just wanted to know what was going on. I cried a few times, mostly I fidgety and nervous. I always feel ill going into it. Like maybe I’m really normal and I just think I’m fucked up and I’m a cry baby….
What I got was not a “You’re ok really” I was kind of surprised by the diagnosis(a bit)… it was decided I have depression(what I went for) but also anxiety, an eating disorder and what most surprised me was PTSD… that shocked me because well… I figured the nightmares were normal and the stress was normal.
I guess it is… for a girl that was raped then in an abusive relationship. I don’t know why that surprised me it just did… a lot. But I guess I’m kind of getting treated for that in therapy.
There is also a possible diagnosis for ADD… we’ll see how the Prisiq makes me. I feel a bit calmer already, but then I’m sitting here watching the olympics and writing this blog at the exact same time.
I don’t know if it’s a side effect or if the Prisiq is making me feel better already, however everything seems very bright, like colorful everything looks. Everything seems much more clear to me, so strange.
I just took my first pill today, we’ll see if there are any side effects tomorrow. Hopefully not, I’d like for once to get on a medication and not have to have it adjusted. If this doesn’t take care of my what seems like always racing thoughts and need to do a million things at once I’ll start on a small dose of aderall in a month. I’m looking forward to linear thoughts.
On a sad note: Stephanie Tubbs-Jones died today, what a loss to the country. She was a fantastic Congress woman(my congress woman actually) She will be missed
I had my very first negative experience associated with blogging…
I was thinking about doing a post and in the middle of it I was hit by this panic I had gained 5 lbs… or according to my sisters scale on Weds. I had gained 5 lbs and I was struck with panic. I’m still in the midst of that.
I’m sad at the reaction, for some reason as soon as that feeling hit, I promptly turned and vomited up my lunch. The fact my mind makes my body react like that is frustrating… It had been a good week, it had been happy all week, lots of smiles and excitement. Then suddenly I feel awful
I don’t think I can eat today, tomorrow I’ll give it another shot
Today turned out to be shitty…. fucked up my good week.
Soo for people who don’t know… iCiNG does this lovely thing called Things I Love Thursdays(TiLT) So I decided to steal the idea o_o! But do it about my body… call it online therapy for myself. But instead of pointing out what I like about the looks of my body I’m going to point out what it does for me. I hope people will comment and participate! I think some days everyone can use a reminder of the good things our body does for us.
- Playing ring around the rosie with my daughter. There is some how nothing more satisfying then having hands to hold hers and legs to spin around in circles. And a load voice to yell out the words… always good laughs
- My legs that help me run in after the rain… we had a mighty storm here this evening and I got soaked.
- Arms to hold my daughter tight cuz she’s scared
- The ability to walk 2-3 times a day with the girls I work with. I seriously love them
- Lips to kiss with
- A nose to smell the wonderful smell still on my sheets(Can I say I don’t want to wash them…)
- Eyes to see all the beautiful sites around lately and smell all the sweet smells of summer… oh how I’ll miss thee summer when you are gone!
That’s all! On another note I almost ate normally today… almost then I had some ice cream and felt sick =\ I got sick all of my lunch and my ice cream. I’ll take the fact I had a normal lunch that consisted of more then a few bites of lettuce covered with oil and vinegar.
What are you loving about what your body can do for you this week?
I have the hardest time with compliments… I swear. They make me feel uncomfortable and I always question the persons honesty when they say nice things to me… my mind automatically goes to “Do they really mean that? Of course not! Look at me…. god BLAH” I’m sure most compliments are paid in sincerity however I just can’t take it that way.
One of the guys I’m dating(Yes more then one, dating as in… going on dates not relationship status) told me I was gorgeous.
I had original intended to use this blog for FA/Feminism except I realized I can’t be any kind of champion when I still so throughly hate my body, and base my self-worth on my body. So I’ve decided to use this as a personal healing experience for me. Maybe if I write all the awful things in my head maybe I can get better.
To admit so publicly and candidly… I have an eating disorder. I also suffer from clinical depression and it’s still up in the air on whether I have ADHD or an anxiety disorder(though we have effectively ruled out social anxiety, which is good as that’s atleast one thing I’ve over come since high school) I used to self-injury but I haven’t done that since I was 18, but I would be lying if some days if the urge isn’t still there.