This has been a few weeks filled with tons of ups and downs… The good: The pristiq is remaining almost completely side effect free for me. I solidified my relationship with one of the guys I was dating… meaning I have a boyfriend. The bad: The other guy I was dating decided to stop talking to me… completely and decided to contact me friday while I was sick. Jeremy(boyfriend) and I had 2 fights this weekend.

The fact I’ve had all these ups and downs while trying to teach myself to eat again is hard. It’s something I have to deal with. My good days have been more but still are few and far between. I find myself lying to people about how much I eat and when. I also find myself purging much more often… I think this is part of my healing process, I hope anyway. It’s hard for me to look and say: nutrition even in small amounts is good. Being able to even eat again is good, even if I purge afterwards I’m making progress. I have not binged at all… that is a great positive for me. But still purging when I’m alone and I’ve eaten is something to work on. However I have had days of “normal” eating, where I eat 3 meals a day 2 snacks…. I haven’t had those in many many years, it’s 1 extreme or the other

However I miss the restriction… I find myself force feeding myself a lot of time. Because I know I HAVE to eat… I don’t want to. I’m not sure how to rectify my relationship with food, for a long time I’ve considered it wrong in all forms. Any calories put in my body is just bad, for that it will take more then a few weeks.

I’d honestly just love to binge out on everything I want and say “there… you can have it!” but the fear of gaining weight is so real that I can’t do it. The fear people will dislike me if I get heavier is so intense I’d rather be hungry then be satisfied…

It’s this feeling that keeps me in my cycle… It’s this thinking that had my thinking of a blog post. I actually had a rather negative reaction, I think it was my mind grasping desperately to the need of my ED… it was “God I’m so fat! I have to lose weight now” and preceeded to vomit up my lunch. The thought pattern eventually led to this:

I would give up the rest of my life to spend just 1 day fully satisifed with myself. By myself I mean me as a person and me as part of my body. To feel wholey accepting of myself and to feel wholey deserving of love.

I know this will come with time, because I know I am not defined by my looks… I am not defined by my ED. It’s this thinking I’m sure that will pull my through all this once and for all… it pulled me from my cutting which I have not done in 5 years(though I do get urges)

It doesn’t define me because it’s only part of me…

So I’m learning to eat normally… I’m working on not feeling so weird eating around people. Hopefully soon the good days will out number the bad. I’m working toward that

I’m glad I got the doctor I did, he didn’t push me too much he really just wanted to know what was going on. I cried a few times, mostly I fidgety  and nervous. I always feel ill going into it. Like maybe I’m really normal and I just think I’m fucked up and I’m a cry baby….

What I got was not a “You’re ok really” I was kind of surprised by the diagnosis(a bit)… it was decided I have depression(what I went for) but also anxiety, an eating disorder and what most surprised me was PTSD… that shocked me because well… I figured the nightmares were normal and the stress was normal.

I guess it is… for a girl that was raped then in an abusive relationship. I don’t know why that surprised me it just did… a lot. But I guess I’m kind of getting treated for that in therapy.

There is also a possible diagnosis for ADD… we’ll see how the Prisiq makes me. I feel a bit calmer already, but then I’m sitting here watching the olympics and writing this blog at the exact same time.

I don’t know if it’s a side effect or if the Prisiq is making me feel better already, however everything seems very bright, like colorful everything looks. Everything seems much more clear to me, so strange.

I just took my first pill today, we’ll see if there are any side effects tomorrow. Hopefully not, I’d like for once to get on a medication and not have to have it adjusted. If this doesn’t take care of my what seems like always racing thoughts and need to do a million things at once I’ll start on a small dose of aderall in a month. I’m looking forward to linear thoughts.

On a sad note: Stephanie Tubbs-Jones died today, what a loss to the country. She was a fantastic Congress woman(my congress woman actually) She will be missed

I was thinking about doing a post and in the middle of it I was hit by this panic I had gained 5 lbs… or according to my sisters scale on Weds. I had gained 5 lbs and I was struck with panic. I’m still in the midst of that.

I’m sad at the reaction, for some reason as soon as that feeling hit, I promptly turned and vomited up my lunch. The fact my mind makes my body react like that is frustrating… It had been a good week, it had been happy all week, lots of smiles and excitement. Then suddenly I feel awful

I don’t think I can eat today, tomorrow I’ll give it another shot

Today turned out to be shitty…. fucked up my good week.

• Playing ring around the rosie with my daughter. There is some how nothing more satisfying then having hands to hold hers and legs to spin around in circles. And a load voice to yell out the words… always good laughs
• My legs that help me run in after the rain… we had a mighty storm here this evening and I got soaked.
• Arms to hold my daughter tight cuz she’s scared
• The ability to walk 2-3 times a day with the girls I work with. I seriously love them
• Lips to kiss with
• A nose to smell the wonderful smell still on my sheets(Can I say I don’t want to wash them…)
• Eyes to see all the beautiful sites around lately and smell all the sweet smells of summer… oh how I’ll miss thee summer when you are gone!

That’s all! On another note I almost ate normally today… almost then I had some ice cream and felt sick =\ I got sick all of my lunch and my ice cream. I’ll take the fact I had a normal lunch that consisted of more then a few bites of lettuce covered with oil and vinegar.

What are you loving about what your body can do for you this week?

One of the guys I’m dating(Yes more then one, dating as in… going on dates not relationship status) told me I was gorgeous.

That blew my mind, I went through that cycle of he’s lying for whatever reason(he has no reason to lie, honestly I don’t see him under any obligation to tell me I’m gorgeous or even attractive. As he is under no obligation to take me on dates either) I murmured my usual shy thank you feeling highly uncomfortable for the whole situation.

It makes me uncomfortable for a few reasons

1. I don’t consider my body attractive. I’m lucky enough to know I have a pretty face but the rest well if someone said I could walk around as a head I’d be ok with that…

2. He doesn’t know about my ED. Most of our dates have been us doing silly stuff after what is normal dinner time. The only thing he’s seen go into my mouth is alcohol and cigarettes… he assumes I’m normal and there for eat.

3. The second part of the compliment was I don’t even look like I had a child… I know it’s meant to be a compliment however how I got to the size I am now(Publicly admitting: 5’8 and 174 lbs, size 10 US sizes) was because of how I eat… or don’t eat

It makes me also feel guilty I’m not thinner… if I were to tell people I have an eating disorder they would never believe me… But no one knows I will starve myself for days, push food around my plate then eat probably 4 to 5 thousand calories in 1 sitting, eat so much to the point I vomit. No one knows I’m terrified to consume food in front of other people. It’s something that I suffer with mostly alone

And I want to tell him that compliments on my body is completely useless and could possibly do more damage then good. But that’s an uncomfortable topic isn’t it?

Why do compliments always have to be about appearance anyway? Why don’t more people tell me “God you’re really smart!” or “Wow you’re one hell of a funny chick” or “Yeah you’re pretty damn cool”. But sadly they don’t mean as much do they? Everyday I live my life hoping someone will tell me I’m pretty or I look cute that day… just to bring on the wave of discomfort…

I wonder if I think someday that will change? Maybe someone will say it and I’ll go “Hey! I’m cute”

I’m trying to work past the compliments… how important they are. My therapist pointed out “You look fabulous” is now a standard greeting what we really mean is “Wow it’s fabulous to see you again” where did we go wrong? And it is wrong… How many people have gotten that compliment and thought “Wow and I looked like a pig before?” or for me going “Yes I must be doing good then”

It’s hard to believe you’re slowly killing yourself when the world is looking at you for diet secrets… when everyone tells you how wonderful you look.

At every compliment I’ll take that as a reason to keep going. I’ll nibble at lettuce and say I’m vegan and on a diet because I’m so bloated then a few days later come sit on my bed and inhale enough food to feed more then an entire family… till it physically hurts, and my body can no longer take it and I vomit.

I’ll feel so guilty I won’t eat for 3-4 days and do it all over again…

The next time I see someone or need to pay them a compliment I’m going to tell them how fabulous they ARE not LOOK. And my response to me looking fabulous will be “So do you, you always have. So how is your fabulous/wonderful/amazing self doing?”

Even if I can’t help myself maybe I can help someone else

To admit so publicly and candidly… I have an eating disorder. I also suffer from clinical depression and it’s still up in the air on whether I have ADHD or an anxiety disorder(though we have effectively ruled out social anxiety, which is good as that’s atleast one thing I’ve over come since high school) I used to self-injury but I haven’t done that since I was 18, but I would be lying if some days if the urge isn’t still there.

And all those things make me feel so incredibly broken and that’s hard. I really really just want to be normal, and it sucks because due to genetics and circumstance that’s just not possible. And that hurts… it makes me insane with myself and angry with myself. I hate when I can’t fix things… that’s my control freak, and that’s where my ED comes in.

I should state that I have never in the recollection of my life known what it was like to have a real image of my body. The fat jokes started when I was 5, no joke my older sister and her lovely friends used to call me G&G for gums and gut(people wonder why I don’t like to smile…). I always felt so dirty and wrong as if I was some how defective….

The horrible thing? I wasn’t even fat, no really I was a normal sized kid… just bigger I mean just all around larger then normal 5 year olds. But from that tender age of 5 I learned: my body matters and it determines who much I’m worth to people.

I sort of get why now it happened; my older sister started it. I was almost as big as her…. I think that made her angry. I think she projected her own insecurity on me… her anger. I was always that sweet shy girl… quiet and I always just took it. I just cried through it… I hid myself in my room with books and Barbie dolls, crafting what I thought was the perfect world. And I sobbed, at 5 years old, because I couldn’t be like that.

I started wanting to be perfect… I wanted to be thin at 6 I tried to diet, but I didn’t have much weight to lose. I hated myself for who I was; shy, quiet and scared of the world around me. I wanted so badly to form my perfect world around me, a world that loved the shy, quiet girl with a big imagination and a desire to make everyone happy. If I could make all the world smile and happy, even at the cost of my life I would have… and come to think of it, I still would.

The thing is… I don’t see a change in my body. Very seriously, the image in my mind has always been the same. This blob of flesh with big fat thighs, and a huge stomach and I HATE it… I wish I could beat it in to doing what I wanted. I’m so angry at it…

And I’m so angry it matters so fucking much… I’m angry that my whole life the weight of my family has been based on my weight. I’m angry that even the people I love so dearly I would die for them, they put such emphasis on the way my body looks. I’m angry after not seeing my sister for 6 months she said “Oh geeze now I’m the fat one in the family”

Because I was so ugly before? Because I’ve managed to get down nearly 50 lbs from starving myself? And I can’t even see the CHANGE? Fuck you!

Then my father makes a comment like “Rachel needs to lose a little weight… I think she might be bigger then you are now Erin”?

Because it’s so bad I’m not a size 4? Why the hell does it matter so much? Why did he have to say it the day before my birthday(my least favorite day of the year fyi) And a little over 2 weeks after I admitted to my mother a 8 year eating disorder(in which in pointed out I emotionally eat… thanks mom!)

And yet I still love them so much, and it hurts so god damn much when they say it…

And I’m angry

And I’m sad

I just want to see myself for who I really am… not some distorted image of myself. I’d like for my whole mind to agree that my weight doesn’t make me who I am… my weight doesn’t make me a mother, my weight doesn’t make me a woman who is really good at math, and really creative… My weight doesn’t make me the woman that loves to make people happy, loves to give hugs and make people laugh. Doesn’t make me woman that plays tag and ring around the rosie with my daughter and the girls across the street. My weight doesn’t make be a good listener and really CARE about other people

It doesn’t make me a good or a bad person… it’s just part of who I am. But it doesn’t MAKE me

If only I could get the rest of my mind to agree